Thursday, April 15, 2010

Choosing Life, Day 1

I tend to go through these "cycles" that really bring me down. It seems to always happen the same way. Two weeks I'm very motivated to get stuff done and I'm feeling great. The next two weeks I'm not so motivated and down right lazy.  And the following two weeks J seems to have the hardest weeks and autism butts in our lives like a raging bull. Then perhaps I become the raging bull.

At the end of the cycle I feel completely defeated and lost. Then, we start all over again. Its been happening for years, and every time I tell myself to focus and pray hard to steer clear of the "cycle" next time it attacks. But, it sneaks up on me like a snake ready to strike when I least expect it. (Even though I know it comes around obviously, it still shocks me that it's still a part of my life....I guess I was thinking I defeated it without actually fighting in the battle)

I do notice however, that in my highs I am extremely dedicated and faithful to my relationship with God. This week as I'm feeling at my weakest, God has whispered to me to stay faithful to Him always. Maybe I have such great weeks with God that after a few weeks I think that I can now handle it now by myself.  Maybe when I  take the reins in my own hands, I become the unmotivated lazy woman which means our routine changes and our poor son who can't adjust well to routine changes is overwhelmed, confused, and doesn't know what to do.

To say the least, this week, God has gotten my attention. As I tried to come up with every reason in the book as to why this tends to happen until I heard His voice clear as glass. "Stay faithful to me." So here we are. I am asking for His strength to get through and break free from this cycle.

Today is day 1. I am blogging about it so that I am accountable and maybe someone else can benefit from this journey.

My first three goals:
* To stay and be dedicated to God daily, hourly, every single second. Praying for a faithful heart.
*To bless my family with a mommy who stays on a good (flexible) routine. Praying for a sevant's heart.
*To make each day intentional in every way, especially with J. To work on keeping him engaged. To include others in this so I don't get run down.  Add to our day time for Tibby to play, include, and encourage J. A time for them to bond.  Praying for consistancy and compassion.

This is not only for me, this will change our little boys' lives! So here we go, day 1 of ending a cycle and choosing LIFE!

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