"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away."
As I read the first words in the first chapter of Shauna Niequist's book Cold Tangerines, my eyes swelled up with tears. That's me, I thought.
As I kept reading, I felt as though this was my interview. I do feel as though I'm waiting for the big moment in my life. You know, the move that will finally make me the housewife I've wanted to be, the the moment I wake up and all the laziness and dread I face almost daily has disappeared in my dreams, the moment something happens that gets me from this side of the fence to the other.
I think of ways I want to live constantly, but can never reach far enough to catch my dreams in hands. I make goals, but before I put the pen down I've already been defeated. I'm scared to fail. I'm even more scared to go through life never catching hold of truly living.
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today."
As depression slipped up behind me today out of nowhere, I wondered what on earth I was feeling sad about? Why don't I ever feel good enough? Why isn't my God, my husband, my children, my home, my hobbies, my friends enough? What on earth am I waiting for?
While I sit and wait for the life of my dreams to stroll by, the life I'm in is moving along all around me. Before I know it, I''ll be dreaming of the life I'm in now, and wondering why in the world I wasn't living in it!?
Why aren't my eyes open? What is it I truly want to see?
"Lord, might I wake wanting You first, wanting to see You in this day. I can wake glad."
God is whispering to me. Showing me where to turn my thoughts. How to fill my days with thanksgiving, how to want less, how to love more. Before He allows me to open my eyes in the mornings, he whispers to find the joy in waking. The joy in family. The joy living.
If anyone would tell you the shortest, surest way to all happiness
and all perfection, he must tell you to
make a rule to yourself to thank and praise God for everything
that happens to you.
It is certain that whatever seeming calamity happens to you,
if you thank and praise God for it,
you turn it into a blessing.
If you could work miracles,
therefore, you could not do more for yourself
than by this thankful spirit.
It heals and turns all that it touches into happiness.”
William Law, A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life
“Whether your feelings are mean or kind Your attitude to life is the key.Don’t wait to be happy until things are just right.Don’t let life’s little annoyances get in the way…You can be as happy as you decide to be.”
He is asking me to get out of the habit of waiting. He is asking me to make joy my new habit.