Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Letting Go

Currently pouring over the pages of this beautifully written book that has captivated me. Filling me with laughter, and then tears streaming slowly down my cheeks.

I call my mom, she had given the book to me yesterday. I tell her it was almost like I was reading my own words. She replied that she agrees and that it made her know me more.

"In all my years of longing to do something more significant with my gift of art, I never dreamed it would be used to give my child his voice."

Those words bounce off the page right back to me over again "give my child his voice" "give my child his voice" My eyes read those words and fill with tears.

God, please show me how to give my child his voice.

As little as a few months ago I would wake up with dread before my eyes ever opened. Before my feet hit the floor. Why wake up when no day seems different? Why wake up to feel utterly useless in the ability to keep my children protected without being worn down to complete exhaustion? Why? Why fight this 9 year old boy any longer?

God, then asked me to find the joy in the day. Any bit of the day, if there was an opportunity to open my heart to joy, do it. Over the next few days before I would open my eyes, God would fill me with joyful sounds and thoughts. Little did I know, he was giving me the opportunity to let go.

To let go of bitternees, dread, feeling scared, helpless, and hopeless. Letting go of feeling out of control. He had me, He had Jaiden, and I really could let go.

"It's time to throw out my ideas of what I thought life would be, should be, and let joy fill up those brand-new vacancies."  Emily said, as she vowed that if she was blessed with another day, she will wake up believing it was her last. "Don't waste it. We're going to get up and eat. We're going to get up and live."

As I drove my sweet little man to therapy this morning along with his friend, I looked for the joy in everything. The ways the trees worship, the colors of spring popping up over lawns and gardens, a family in the early hours packing up a car for what just may be a family vacation. I leaned over to buckle Jaiden's friend, and he gave me a big kiss! That's right, planted one right on my cheek! I haven't got to have a kiss from my own boy since he was a baby, but his friend graciously added to my joy this morning. And as I took my smiling guy in to therapy this morning, I gave him the biggest squeeze and told him I loved him. He laughed and went on to his room.

I think I have let go.

House of Belonging 


 

12 comments:

Tracy said...

Thanks for sharing!

nic said...

absolutely stunning. it's such a gift, such a freedom, to be able to choose joy. you are a wise and tender mama indeed.

Joybird said...

I don't know this whole story but I assume from your tags that Jaiden has autism which changes how your family works. The idea of letting go of my preconceived notions of how things should or could or would be and just letting the Some days it's hard to surrender what I want to celebrate what is. Thank you for sharing your joy in doing just that.

Brian Miller said...

big smiles. i do therapy with kids and i love hearing stories like this...

Tiffini said...

this made me cry...I am going to email you soon...love this so much!
it spoke to my heart.
xo

Bethany Ann said...

my oldest boy is shy -- so shy. i long for the world to hear his voice!! and i, too, have felt dread give way to joy -- oh, grace!!

Rambling Heather said...

I was here today though not seeing the good but mistakes reigned and all I could see were the mishaps. The things gone wrong, my fault. Thank you for this reminder once again (I seem to be needing it more and more these days) that I can breathe and count His many blessings even amidst the trials.

Brandee Shafer said...

Good for you...and for the Jesus in you...

emily wierenga said...

To let go of bitternees, dread, feeling scared, helpless, and hopeless. Letting go of feeling out of control. He had me, He had Jaiden, and I really could let go.

jeana... you don't know how i cried through this. how God spoke to me through you, and through emily (i went over and checked out the trailer)... thank you. thank you.

Kati patrianoceu said...

This is really beautiful. In this, I hear you combining letting go with finding a bigger vision, which is an incredible combination.

Carrie Burtt said...

Choosing joy, and letting go....a wonderful gift from God that we so many times have a hard time grasping....this is beautiful Jeana! :-)

Michelle said...

Beautiful Jeana, I am in tears. Love and miss you sweet friend! You are AMAZING!

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