Monday, October 4, 2010

Pushing Though With Thanks

I woke up this morning filled with content and hope for this upcoming week like I've never felt before. I savored His word and lingered a bit longer than usual.

Filled with confidence, my feet hit the floor. We did our morning chores, ate breakfast, and started our Bible story and scripture. We then started our school work, and this was when it was evident that autism was still with us. He remembered nothing we had learned last week. We were again starting over. We pushed through, but it felt like we were accomplishing nothing. Then his behaviors started up again. I lost it. I yelled and cried.

I hate days like this more than anything I've ever been through. Confidence left much faster than it ever came and I sat face in hands feeling helpless and hopeless.

Then the lies. The prince of darkness swept over me like a wave on the hot sand. "You can't do this, you are a horrible mom. Does God even care about you to make you go though this? Where is He now? I heard you ask for His help this morning, but I don't see Him here now. Turn away. Go back to the life you know doesn't have to feel. Take him back to school. You tried to be obedient, but He is not helping you and you can NOT do it. You can't."

It's very hard for me not to believe that. It really is. But something inside me told me to get up. To push through. To eat, to exercise, to keep breathing, to give thanks. So that's where I am now. Giving thanks.

217.I am able to move, to see, to feel, to hear
218. I have a family to take care of
219.My husband who works hard
220.Giggles coming from the playroom
221.Healthy food to  serve
222.Water to keep clean
223.How much our 5 year old loves soccer
225.Potty trained kids. NO diapers...1st time in almost 9 years!
226.Rain. the most calming, relaxing, and comfortable thing to me.
227.Knowing everything will be okay.
228.The power in being thankful

holy experience


Laura said...

Oh to count the days I feel the same way. My daughter is on the spectrum and we gain ground and lose it and then gain a bit more and then lose a lot. And the fact that I lose it - with her? Ugh.

Recently, I came to the conclusion after some really hard months that included autism but only as a side note, that I can't do it. I absolutely, positively am incapable of doing life. Not just doing it on my own, but doing it at all. And I begged for God's strength and for His Holy Spirit to move in me and for me - to function because I just couldn't anymore.

Hard days will come and we have to hold on to promises God makes about giving us strength and grace for what He calls us to. You've been an encouragement to me today, with your honesty and pushing through.

emily wierenga said...

oh, friend... i hurt for you. these days are hard. so hard. i wish i could ease your pain. but you push on, and you love so deep, and you praise Him, still, and in the end, this is what matters. you're doing well, sister. keep it up. love to you. e.

Heather said...

Heart-wrenching and beautiful.
You inspire me to push through as well.

mamadrama said...

Oh Jeana. I know I have felt that way more times than I would like to admit. It's crazy what we blame on ourselves. You are loved in so many ways. I will pray for your mama's heart. It is so easily broken. You have a covering and my respect for what you get up, everyday, to do.

Craig and Bethany said...

You CAN do this. I used to teach in the public schools. No one will reach your child like you. Truly. No one. Take heart, everyday a victory.


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